In my mind, Merriam-Webster should define life as “Change. Change. Change. And more change; one big giant change made up of a multitude of little changes” – yep, that would about sum it up. As we age, we move swiftly from cycle to cycle and tend to naturally outgrow certain people, places, and things. Let’s call this an evolution of sorts. Often, without even noticing, some things just start dropping by the wayside and the world shifts… With the onset of each phase, we must release the old in order to embrace the new.
Hmmmm, letting go has always been an issue of mine.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve celebrated every new adventure, yet I would simultaneously mourn the end of what I was leaving behind in the process. Yes, I know… “With every closed door, another opens.” Or is it window? Or both? Who knows?! Moral of the story… we should embrace these stages with wild abandon. Please pay particular attention to the word SHOULD. Let go? NOOOO. Move on? Hell NO. Yeah. No. Thanks.
**picture a small child throwing one hellacious temper tantrum… rolling around on the ground, kicking and screaming, and this will give you an accurate visual of how I’ve reacted to the great unknown; also known as change** NO. This was my typical mode of operation.
Each time I graduated from a level of schooling, be it elementary to middle school, then to high school, and finally on to college, I would face a depression of sorts. While uber excited to start a brand new school, there was a part of me that would shout, “But WAIT; I love what I had; I loved the friends in my world; life was consistent and comfortable. What do you mean I need to learn a new location, new teachers, new courses, new friends, and more? Whhhaaatt?!?!?! Whhhyyyy?!?!?!”
Change meant a level of discomfort I wasn’t all too fond of experiencing. Ever.
Of course, I kept all of this fear and apprehension to myself. Time and time again, friends have commented how laid back I am, how calm-cool-and-collected I am, and how not much ruffles my feathers, etc.
Ummmm, so far as YOU can see. Here is my secret: I carry EVERYTHING inside. So from all outward appearances, I was gung-ho and ready to tackle all the newness life had in store for me. Inwardly, I was experiencing a nervous breakdown.
Luckily, as soon as I caught the hang of whatever new person, place, or thing that had entered my world… I would reach a certain sweet spot… I was golden. Then, as it happens in life… along came another change and I would be adjusting to the next new thing. Sigh.
Don’t even get me started about friendships and boyfriends. Oh. MY. Let’s just say I’ve kept way too many friends far past their expiration date and things not only spoiled, but rotted uncontrollably. Of course, I stayed in a multitude of bad relationships because the thought of leaving my boyfriend was heart-wrenching. And, even when I did muster up enough courage to break things off, I would inevitably find my way back to him.
Some of my biggest relationships only truly ended because one of us moved to another city or state. Kinda hard to go running back when you’re no longer living in the same zip code. Maybe I can chalk it all up to a severe case of separation anxiety?
It has always felt as if I had one foot in the last door instead of closing it completely. OUCH, right? Or maybe on a difficult day you could find me peeking in a window I had previously closed… only to find the blackout curtains were drawn and the windowsill nailed shut. Sigh. This didn’t stop me from looking though.
Sure, it is healthy to reminisce and basic human nature to be nostalgic, but my desire to “go back” was borderline obsessive. The past is the past, most often for very good reason, so why was I always looking behind me? Was it the familiarity of those people, places, and things? Who knows how much money I would need to dump into psychologist visits to get to the answer to THAT question? Millions, I’m sure. Ha!
Now, I’m working on becoming a Mommy (to learn more, read “And Baby Makes… Two?” here: http://wp.me/p1Tasj-km ). This means more modifications than one could even fathom; colossal changes of epic proportions as a matter-of-fact. Goodbye single-hood. Yes, technically I will still be single, but no longer will I have the freedom to come and go as I please… I will always have a mini-me (or two) following my every move.
I’m currently an urbanite living and working downtown with the convenience of walking to work each day. I love my little one-bedroom apartment right in the heart of the city. This place has been my sanctuary. And, now I will need to leave it. No longer will I continue to drive my sporty-red-two-door car. Nope; gotta get a small SUV to carry baby (or babies) safely to and fro.
Much to my surprise, it became so clear to me recently just how READY I am for all the changes associated with parenthood.
Leave downtown? Sure
Trade in my car? Of course
Always have little partners-in-crime at my hip? By all means!
Switch my name from Renae to Mommy? In a heartbeat (quite literally, ha!)
Move the focus of my life from me to my little ones? ABSOLUTELY!!
Never sleep in, get a good night’s rest, or nap again? Oh. What? Wait? Ha!
The list of transitions seems never-ending, yet each time I consider a new potential adjustment brought on by mommyhood, I respond with a resounding YES! YES! YES! Closing each chapter may prove overwhelming and emotional, yet shockingly I cannot wait to write each new chapter.
Finally, it appears I may embrace change for the very first time. Huh? Interesting; it only took me 40 years. Better late than never, eh?
I always figured it would be the 23rd of Never when I embraced change… perhaps I should reposition it now as the 23rd of WHENEVER on the corner of Gimme-All-You-Got and I-Can’t-Wait!!!
© Renae Rossman and Candy Coated Reality™