God Speaks

God speaks; often in a whisper. Everyone thinks they will recognize His voice. They anticipate this booming, dominant male (some expect female) voice and in that moment there will be no question it is Him speaking. When people do not hear what they expect, they often doubt they heard the Lord our God. However, it is not necessarily a voice you’d hear – at least not as we would know and recognize it.

God is light. God is everywhere. God is everything.

When He speaks, it is more of a feeling, a knowing, a sense, or perhaps even hearing something from someone else, hearing a lyric in a song, or reading something that moves you. God works in wondrous, yet often mysterious ways.

Recently, a friend dealt with devastating heart-break and loss… while comforting her, I said, “At first God whispers… then He taps us on the shoulder… then He gives us a swift slap across the face, and then… if we still are not listening… not paying attention… God will allow a wall to crash and crumble upon us!! Everything has a reason and purpose; even loss and devastation. This, my dear, unfortunately may have been your wall. So now it is important to decide the path you will take, changes you will make, and how you will heed His word and His plan for you.”

Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Faith is the belief in the unseen; in a higher power; in God. Hope is the understanding that faith prevails even when doubt is so prevalent. Grace is what you give yourself and others when it seems all faith and hope are lost. It is in those dark moments, those turbulent times, when God is most near you. If you focus… really listen… PAY ATTENTION… you will hear Him; just maybe not in the way you might expect.

I’ve heard and felt God and the Holy Spirit in many ways over my lifetime. Thankfully, I’ve shared my experiences without suffering the ridicule and shame from those I’ve told. Many of these stories I’ve posted here in my blog; however, I’m not afraid or ashamed to tell my truth to everyone I meet. For, when I’m moved to share my story, I know in my heart it is God instructing me to do so… for that person with whom I’m speaking needs to hear/read my testimony.

It dawned on me that I would usually hear things right before I went to bed or right as I woke up. I figured this was when I was the most relaxed and could actually be open to hearing the word. Eventually, I decided to start keep track of it all in my iPhone notepad.

Keep in mind, I often talk to God’s angels and ask them for help; I think some of these were His angels speaking and other times I believe it was God. I’ve added details to help explain the significance of some of them too…

Here is a little of what I heard:

03.21.13: “All paths lead to Jesus Christ.”

06.09.13: “I give you my life. I will never leave you.”

07.14.13: “Mom?” (girl’s voice) – I wanted a daughter

09.15.13: “Mommy, can I have four chances?” (girl’s voice) – It took me four artificial inseminations to get pregnant

10.03.13: “My name’s King.”

10.17.13: “Respect us.”

10.22.13: “It is in God’s hands.”

10.26.13: “We know about Marion.” – I decided very early to name my girl Vivia Marin (Marion without the ‘o’ to modernize my grandmother’s name)

01.04.14: “I love you.”

02.22.14: “Having babies soon. Renae. I told you that. Very passionate. Okay. I do have some good news. Elevate.” – I’ve been told maybe I was pregnant more than once, but the embryo didn’t “stick” to the uterine wall during one or more of the four fertility tries

02.25.14: “At 9 and a half.” – My daughter was born by planned c-section a week early of her due date

02.25.14: “So hopeful.” – At this point, there were three failed fertility attempts

03.15.14: “You’re doing great.” – March 11 was my fourth insemination and March 27 was my positive pregnancy test (to say those 17 days were emotionally draining would be an understatement)

04.27.14: “Hey, I need to kick my feet!” (girl’s voice) – My daughter CONSTANTLY kicked her feet both during pregnancy and as an infant

05.17.14: “I’m really in the center of this.”

05.29.14: “I AM positive!” (girl’s voice) – After a frustrating day of dealing with negative people, I talked to my pregnant belly and begged my daughter to be positive. That night I heard this… ironically her blood type is B+ (be positive). Ha! Funny; God has a sense of humor. Indeed. Ha!

05.31.14: “Born in November.” – My girl was born the end of November

06.24.14: “I opened the door for you.” – I was in my second trimester (time to tell people I was pregnant; I waited until I was 16 weeks to share my news)

09.07.14: “Settle down. They’ll help you through it.” – I was starting to panic a bit over birth

You will notice I stopped keeping track at this point; however, I heard so much more than what is listed here during those two years. I intentionally shared items with you that pertained to my desire to have children. As a piece of back story, I started fertility treatments on Halloween 2013, yet it was the early summer of 2013 when I decided it was time to pursue fertility measures to have my child.

No matter what anyone said, I knew in my heart I would have a daughter. Others tried to discourage me with their doubt, “Oh, you want PINK? Well, then you’re destined to have B-L-U-E!!” I discounted their words…

Each time I heard a girl’s voice, both before and during my pregnancy, I believe that was the spirit of my child speaking to me. It was the reassurance God knew I needed in those times. I figured this would be my one and only child and a girl was indeed what I truly wanted. God knows what we need and when the timing is right. Trusting in His timing has always been my challenge. Ha!

My memory is fuzzy, so the time frames are unclear; however, I also had two dreams of my daughter. The dreams could have been before I was pregnant or during; I’m really not sure.

Anyway… I had a dream of opening the back driver’s side door to an SUV I did not own yet. Behind the passenger seat sat the happiest little girl, a toddler, in a car seat. She had huge chubby cheeks and a wide, cheesy grin. Her eyes were light, but I couldn’t make out if they were blue or green. Her hair was a very unique color. When recounting the dream, I always describe her hair color as flaxen and she had shoulder length hair with a slight wave and bangs.

The other dream of this little girl happened some time later. In this dream, she was older… maybe eight or nine years old; it was hard to tell. She was wearing a floor length sundress and had long wavy, light colored hair. Again, I referred to her hair color as flaxen. She was dancing; twirling round and around on a grass covered hill. She was smiling and giggling. Her happiness was infectious.

Fast forward to today. Now that my daughter is a toddler, I realize she looks IDENTICAL to the child in my dreams… she is INDEED the child I saw in my dreams. My toddler has the most beautiful blue eyes and reddish blonde hair (flaxen) with a slight wave and a few curls on the ends. My daughter made herself known to me long before she was born. It is my belief that her spirit visited me in hopes to provide comfort… to reassure me that the dreams God placed in my heart would come to fruition… I only needed to be patient… for God knew the best time.

Yesterday, a friend sent me a video of a beautiful adoption story; an inspiring testament to God’s timing… His will… His word. This video moved me to tears and inspired this blog post. It only seemed fitting that I share this video with you as well: https://youtu.be/uKjh2Rqwmdo

You may not be attempting to have children and you may not be in the process of adoption; however, no matter where you find yourself in life or your particular situation, this video provides testament of God’s plans for you, His hope, His dreams, and His love for you. If ever you’re in doubt, turn to Him. If all faith is lost, turn to Him. If you feel hope has diminished, turn to Him. When in the darkness, let His light shine and lead the way. For each test can transform into your testimony. It may just be a matter of time.