Originally posted on “And Baby Makes Two” (featured on a parenting magazine website) – August 11, 2013
It is a story as old as time… little girls dreaming of their wedding day complete with a white, billowy princess gown, gorgeous bouquets of fresh cut flowers, bridesmaids and groomsmen as far as they eye can see, and so forth. This however was never me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always wanted to be married, but I could do without all the pomp and circumstance.
As a girl I did dream though, but not about my wedding day; my thoughts were filled with fantasies of being a mom. I loved playing house. At two years old when my brother was born, I ruined all of my doll accessories because I insisted on being his mommy. Yep, as you can image he was too big for my doll carriages, cradles, and high chairs, but that didn’t stop me!! Yes, indeed in the process the poor little guy broke each and every one of my baby accessories. Ha! Thankfully, I didn’t “break” him. Ha! ha!
From a very young age, I was a mom. I was the girl writing possible baby names in my notebook. Over the years, the names have evolved as I’ve changed and grown, yet I still have my list of favorite baby names and I update it often. My friends even tell me I mother them. Yeah, I guess I do, but I just can’t help it. Mothering is an involuntary reaction for me… it is my nature to nurture. All I can figure is… I’m a mom without a child. I always imagined having a family with five children or more. Crazy; I know. At this point, honestly, I’d be blissfully happy with just one healthy child!! Boy? Girl? Doesn’t matter; give me healthy!
Even with this deep desire for children, I knew I needed time for me to grow up, to figure out who I am, and live my life, to ensure I had no regrets. Well, I’ve had plenty of “ME time” to do just about anything and everything my heart longed to try. Now that I turn 40 in less than two weeks, I can’t help but wonder… did I wait too long?
Friday afternoon I had a pelvic ultrasound. This test will determine what kind of ovarian cyst I have; the good kind or the bad kind. Sigh. As I await results to determine if this cyst will demolish my last remaining ovary and any hopes of being pregnant… I’m nervous. I’m scared. Will I be a mom without a baby… forever?
© Renae Rossman and Candy Coated Reality™