For years I’ve struggled… desperately attempting to hide all of the bits and pieces of me that are tarnished and bruised, shattered and torn, worn out and pulverized. We all have them; the components of ourselves we don’t want anyone else to know about let alone to see.
My goal has always been to be the best version of myself. Yes, being my best self is noble, but not so much if my interpretation of my best is perfection. Yes, futile. I know now. As misguided as my desire to hide my flaws may have been, it was my way for much of my life.
Last weekend I attended a “Heaven is For Real” Ministries tour held at a local church. Todd and Sonja Burpo spoke about their son’s experiences in heaven when he was four years old. I read, “Heaven is For Real” last year in just a matter of hours, so I was super excited for the opportunity to listen to them speak in person. Colton even attended. He is now a freshman in high school. Wow, ten years later and he is traveling the world as a teenager… telling his story of meeting God and His angels.
The book is PHENOMENAL and I cannot wait for the movie release on April 16 (movie trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn_bRrxIGY8&sns=em).
During the two hour worship service filled with music and stories, there was a singular sentence that resonated with me, “We all carry broken pieces.” WOW. Here on stage was Todd, a pastor, admitting to his faults. He told us about his dark moments and for whatever reason I not only HEARD what he said, but I FELT what he said in the core of my being.
Five simple words spoke volumes…
When friends are miserable my inclination is to help them mend their broken pieces, but truthfully I haven’t been able to repair most of my own. Honestly, how can you heal anything you ignore or hide away? But, maybe, we’re not supposed to “fix” them anyway… simply carry them. Accept them? Forgive ourselves? Forgive others? I wish I knew for sure.
How heavy my burden had become over the years; it takes a hell of a lot of time and energy to be my BEST all the damn time. All this nonsense about being perfect has held me back in many aspects of my life – most importantly in matters of the heart. Can’t tell you how many men I’ve dated who only met “BRAND NEW” Renae. Lord knows I wasn’t brave enough to show anyone the real me. Who would love someone so broken? It made considerable sense to me to hide all the fractured parts of myself.
Recently a friend was going through a really tough time. He wasn’t sure if his twelve year love affair would persevere. Over coffee he kept telling me how broken the relationship was and had been for a matter of time. Of course when a loved one is hurting, we all want to say or do just the right thing to ease his/her pain.
Without a thought I blurted, “Sure you had a very expensive vase you loved. It was shiny and pretty. It is now shattered. Okay. Well, now you get to decide if you’re going to sweep up all the fragments and trash it or perhaps, just maybe, you can create yourself a pretty decoupage mosaic table. The vase was fragile. The table is both beautiful and durable. Together you have the chance to construct the table to meet both of your needs.”
For the last few years, instead of hiding my mangled pieces, I’ve tried laying “all the pretty pieces” out for everyone to see. Starting Candy Coated Reality in 2011 was the catalyst for this change in me. Writing continually allows me an outlet to share all the not so flattering portions of myself with the world. To me, this is a safe environment **smile** and I’m thankful everyone reading has been so supportive.
Sure, it was a challenge at first to proudly display my damaged pieces rather than cover everything up with smoke and mirrors. Perhaps, this way, in being my true, authentic self, I will find the guy with just the broken bits I need to fill in my holes and vice versa. We can build a beautiful table together; from the shattered we can build something stronger.
© Renae Rossman and Candy Coated Reality™